AIR HOSE:
see extension cord. Also used while connected
to spray gun to create random stripes in
otherwise boringly consistent fresh paint.
ALLEN WRENCH:
Various sized hex shaped steel shanks used for rounding out sockets in
impossible to remove recessed set screws. Invented by some guy named Al who
liked to watch people use hack saws to remove cutlass bearings.
APRON:
A cloth device with a fiberglass dust impregnated rope used for irritating
user's neck.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
BATTERY POWERED DRILL:
A device used to hold various drill bits while operator waits for the
battery to recharge.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.
BENCH GRINDER:
Used to overheat and otherwise ruin drill bits and chisels
BOATIE:
Uses archaic terms terms like foresl and steaming light and calls boats she.
This person never buys lunch or delivers free chilled beer. Likes to waste
time of others by asking endless questions so he can inform the respondent
that the freely given advice does not match that given on line, in a book,
or by a surveyor.
BUFFER:
A large heavy tool with a spinning fluffy pad used to tightly wind extension
cords and break wrists of operator.
CAMERA:
An image capturing device left in its storage bag whenever something unique
memorable and fleeting occurs.
CELL PHONE:
A device carried in the pocket of a craftsman that rings to alert said
craftsman that his hands are covered in gooey stuff that stains.
CHARLIE SHEEN PHOTO:
A prominently displayed picture used to remind us all we could be bigger
assholes
CLAMP ON UTILITY LIGHT:
Like the TV ad says, "Clamp on. Clamp off." This device is a cold weather
tool used for distributing small shards of heat lamp bulbs into carefully
applied epoxy coatings.
CLIPBOARD:
A hunk of cracked flexible material with a metal spring loaded thing
generally used to hold pencils with broken leads, pens that won't write and
sopping wet paper. Usually left sitting on edges of whatever overhangs fresh
wet paint or well polished molds.
COUNTER SINK:
Used to gather teak chips and spin those chips around to make a hole
slightly larger than the currently available plugs. Also used to make it
easier to pull fasteners through other side of expensive pieces of wood.
DEEP CYCLE MARINE BATTERY:
A big heavy weight used for gluing plywood sheets into slightly warped
assemblies that have stains from leaked battery contents
DIE GRINDER:
High speed rotary tool. Commonly used in combination with a sharp rotary
file to cut into bottoms of wet boat so nasty stinky red liquid can squirt
in eyes of operator.
DISC SANDER:
A rapidly spinning motorized tool used to make deep gouges in otherwise
smooth and fair surfaces. Also used to apply a layer of dust to freshly
varnished surfaces. Can be used to throw small chip in eye sockets when user
needs to express feminine side by making tears flow.
DOCK:
Used for making dents in bows and gouges in freshly applied topsides paint.
DRILL BIT:
A used as a tool inserted and broken off in expensive metals and fittings to
help operator realize his last pair of Vice Grips fell in the lake
yesterday.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
DRIVEWAY:
place where boaties park just before someone
with a real life needs to come or go.
DUAL ACTION SANDER / AKA DA:
An air powered device used to make operator's hands lose feeling. designed
to distribute tiny droplets of compressor oil over surfaces before
application of urethane topcoats.
8" SOFT SANDING DISC:
Installed on a buffer motor, this handy tool launches fresh sticky backed
sandpaper discs into piles of dust.
ELECTRICAL METER
1. a device designed to bring the operator within easy reach of painful or
lethal electrocution.
2. a random number generator
EPOXY PUMPS:
Used to dribble epoxy wherever cans are stored
EXHAUST FAN:
Extends effectiveness of spray gun to coat windshields and cause windshield
wipers to be replaced
EXTENSION CORD:
A trip wire device for launching expensive tools from decks of tall
keelboats
Fid:
A rusty semi pointed Phillips head screwdriver that lacks the ability to
turn Phillips head screws. Used for stabbing palms of those who wish to
loosen tight knots.
FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER:
A very dull chisel or flimsy pry bar. Commonly used to wallow out slots in
little metal thinghies.
FLOOR:
Overflow containment area for workbench
GEAR PULLER:
A big bolt with arms attached whose function is to break off chunks of
pulleys after use of allen wrench.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
HOLE SAW:
A circular device placed in battery powered drills to immediately kill
batteries. Can also be used in large old pre-safety clutch heavy duty drill
motors to sprain or break operator's wrists.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
off topic>>>
INCIDENCES:
A term whose use makes it clear the user has no clue how to spell incidents
or what incidence means.
INFRARED PROPANE HEATER:
Most common boat shop version is the style mounted on a refillable portable
tank. It's primary use is melting the ass out of disposable coveralls.
INVOICE:
Used when a boatyard craftsman needs some privacy, this device when filled
out with a reasonable number at the bottom makes any customer who has
stopped by three or more times go away until a private investigator is paid
to find that customer...whose wallet and checkbook will not be with him.
JIGSAW:
A device used to chip edges of teak faced plywood. Also handy for making
crooked edges that when straightened leave insufficient material to make the
desired bulkhead.
KNOT:
A term used by sailors to lie about distance or velocity. Something only
boaties can permanently create to ruin
otherwise perfectly useable ropes.
KRYLON:
Used to "rebuild" engines without the need to take anything apart or replace old parts.
LADDER:
Used for elevating open paint cans and fragile tools so they can better
impact the concrete floor below.
LEDGER:
A notebook for recording those occasional small business transactions
LEGAL PAD:
A bound stack of paper, usually on a clipboard, used for
drawing pictures nobody can understand after turning to a fresh page and
permanently hiding very important reminder notes from being seen
MARINE SURVEYOR:
A particularly obnoxious know it all who causes minor repairs to cost ten
times more and who prevents boat owners from either selling their boats or
obtaining insurance coverage.
MASKING TAPE:
A paper product used with rainwater to permanently affix itself to freshly
painted surfaces. Also good for dropping in wet paint.
Marlinspike:
see fid
OUTBOARD MOTOR:
An aerobics arm pull exercise device for those who can't make to to the gym.
Smallest versions are useful for spilling gasoline in bilges.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race..
PAINT BRUSH:
An expensive carefully selected flexible bristled single use tool used for
extracting discs of hardened resins and paints from inexpensive mixing cups.
PAINT ROLLER:
A furry or foam covered cylinder used to place epoxies and antifoulants on
boat topsides just above masking tape and on trailers and floors.
PAINT SHAKER:
A nifty motorized clamp used to throw droplets of expensive paint uniformly
around the room.
PAINT STIR STICK:
A simple wooden device, usually provided by paint salesmen in hopes they
will be used to slosh expensive paint over the sides of formerly full cans.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but, can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
PIPE WRENCH:
A tool with large "toothed" jaws used to make gotchas on otherwise smooth
trailer hitch ball nuts
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
PRINTER:
A piece of office equipment used for wadding up paper
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PUTTY KNIFE:
See chisel, screwdriver,
paintbrush, utility knife.
commonly used with bench grinder mounted wire brushes to smash knuckles and
maim fingers.
RAMP:
Parking lot for boaties.
SHOP DOOR:
A device designed to be open when bad things will blow in and closed when
keys are lost. Overhead version is also good for dripping filthy water on
fresh varnish and clean clothing
SCAFFOLDS:
A rolling ladder capable of carrying a wider variety of spill able and
breakable things. Those with end ladders can also be used for ripping
crotches of coveralls.
SEXTANT:
No need for a definition, if you give a damn you already know what it is and
how to use it, otherwise you are a boatie
looking for more terms to insert in your endless conversations.
SHOCK CORD:
see also owner line. A pacifier for boaties
whose application is to be led through the deck to dead end attachment.
Common directions for use are, "Here. Hold this and whenever it feels like
the athwart ships hazlehorf is defragmitulating, pull it hard three times."
SHOP VACUUM:
A efficient device used to hide expensive tiny parts in bags wet mildewed
dust, insects and spiders. Most have patented "Easylose" drain plug and can
be used with dust filter removed to suck nasty oily water from bilge so it
can be spilled on cabin cushions.
This tool is generally used after work inside boats is complete to blow a
homogenized air and dust mixture all over the shop.
SKILSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
Son of a b***h TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son
of a b***h" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.
SPRAY GUN:
Used to cover anything difficult to clean or expensive with an unwanted
color of tiny paint droplets.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity
TAPE MEASURE:
A long flexible steel blade used to draw crooked lines. Also can be used to
make blood blisters when brand new or to slice insides of fingers and palms
while trying to shove the f#%@ing blade back in the smashed housing...see
ladders.
TARP:
A canvas or plastic sheet used to save dust and dirt from filthy projects
for distribution on otherwise clean boats.
TRAILER COUPLER:
A sturdy device used for mangling license plates and denting bumpers.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
TWEEZERS:
A tool used to dig holes in skin in the general vicinity of splinters.
U SHAPED TOILET SEAT:
Reduces incidence of neck breakage while OSHA inspectors or
surveyors drink
UTILITY KNIFE:
A simple aluminum housing with replaceable blades used for creating sharp
edges on cardboard and paper cuts on those who handle that cardboard. Used
to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while you are wearing them.
VIDEO CAMERA:
A modern recording device left in storage case whenever something important
is going on.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ***#!"
WOOD CHISEL:
A pointy ended fragile screwdriver and flimsy pry bar. Commonly prepared for
its other use by placing against a screw and whacking its handle with a
hammer, this device can wear out sharpening wheels.
WORK BENCH:
Sturdy elevated storage area for partially used but unsealed cans of paint,
any tool used within the last year, used paper towels, empty pizza boxes,
the hand held phone (buried with paint in keys), any container that leaks
corrosives, carious hand tools, and dust.
Also used to make nice black areas in the middle of white gelcoat repairs.
WRENCH:
see hammer